Yvon Chouinard (via h-o-r-n-g-r-y)
I like to be a giving person, at least that my perception of myself. I really enjoy taking care of people and engaging with them on their plane, but I can get lost there and then I become them/the acts of taking care of them, and it takes time alone and mental energy to regain the feeling of who I am, deep down. I had just finished writing my life//efil post, and I was thinking about why I was feeling so weird, imagining one of my best friends and I out in the desert looking at the stars, and it kind of came to me. I’ve become such an act of being for someone else’s needs/wellbeing, that I forgot myself, and this odd sensation is the tug o’ war of the habits I became accustomed to while becoming this caretaker and the person I am on my own. I like to be on my own, I feel so connected to the earth, and life, and the energy that flows through everything. It doesn’t mean I don’t love the people in my life that need care and attention, I do love them very much, but I let their needs overpower my desires, until they blend and I forget I even have needs outside of this person. Some people take advantage of this and some don’t. Lately I’ve had some space from the situation, and I feel the ‘power’ of who I am really coming back, and it’s a overwhelming. It’s asking me to take a stand and be who I am regardless of what some might need from me, I have to respect myself by being myself and declaring my needs and interests.
Back to my imaginary desert /looking at the stars experience, in my daydream, I felt an overpowering connection to the energies that be. The person with me in my daydream is someone that supports me, cares about me, but pushes for both of us to be individuals, and have experiences that are both separate and together, this person(s) is an invaluable friend and through their love of individuality, sometimes I find my own personal power. I miss them terribly, but just like the stars, our connection(s) cover miles. I just need to focus and really grab hold of the roots that are my power source.
10 Mar 2014 / 2 notes
Anonymous (via lesbian-a-la-mode)
so this summer is coming up and i’m slightly apprehensive. Last summer was good, but it felt a little off, i’m not sure why, and I don’t want this summer to have that same feeling. Winter was safe, I had school, boundaries etc, but with this coming summer I feel slightly out of control for some reason. Part of that is that I haven’t travelled in a long time, and that used to be a huge part of my life. At the time I didn’t care for it much, but it’s one of those things you don’t know what you got till it’s gone. I’m thinking that some of my best friends and I could take a trip, which would be so good. I love my town, and I love colorado, but I’m feeling….weighted down? In need of a change?? One of my childhood summer spots is now gone from my life for better or worse, and I didn’t expect it to change my headset as much as it has. I know what i’m writing about feels very trivial, and in the grand scheme it is. I am incredibly blessed, that’s never in question, but i’m figuring out how i want my life to be and that takes sorting through things big, small, and in between. I just have to take charge and create an experience I want to the best of my ability. I’m stressing about it, but i need more time to think on why.
9 Mar 2014 / 2 notes
Post nap view
9 Mar 2014 / 1 note